Boku No Jinsei

2011-06-20T20:53:00.002+08:00

choking.. choking.. choking... im still choking... tryin to break free, but i cant.. yet... not with my power alone... choking.. away...

2011-06-07T17:53:00.001+08:00

i know.. i know... w/e u say, it just makes me feel more guilty.. so please, stop..

i should have died, the sooner the better..

my body feels heavy..

2011-02-08T02:08:00.002+08:00

cry cry, its good to cry n let it all out.. and then start on my work...
but wad's the point if the whole freakin thing repeats and no more tears flow out anymore...?

someone tell me, wad am i living for...? wadever i do, is shit.. shit is shit, and me as a shit, kills the flower rather than fertilizin it... wow, how pro eh..?

life jus sucks... i aint complainin, im statin the truth.. facts... ppl says tat we should look at the bright side of life rather than the bad side, but for me, there's no bright side of life at all

my life is filled with darkness.. nt even a glint of the bright holy light that ppl speaks of..

i have thought bout changing courses, i did.. but if i change course, wer do i go..? i aint good at academics, i aint good at maths, science, humanities.. and even i suck at art.. even my sis told me to change courses cuz i have plenty of other choices..

yes, i have choices, but i dont know WHAT CHOICES... everywhere i go, is a dead end.. one after another.. no point in switchin tracks when they all end up in one dead alley eh? furthermore, i dont have any other interest..

freakin hell.. why do i need to be born..? y am i even en embryo in the first place...?! WHY DID MY FREAKIN SOUL CHOOSE TO BE REINCARNATED..?! i would rather be the wind, jus flyin around.. with nothing to worry bout...

i jus wanna suicide..... so tat i can go to hell... pay my sins, or if i cant pay for my sins, then rip my soul apart.. i aint scared of it... yea.. i aint... death. jus come n get me, i've been waiting like.. forever...

2011-01-02T23:37:00.002+08:00

i wanna cry, but tears wont flow.. wad's the freakin use of it?
i tried to convince myself that everythin's all right, but it doesnt..
i jus wanna someone to tell me, that "everything's ok, cuz i'll be there to help you" but its impossible
i wanna hug someone real tight, and cry for the whole night, without thinking about anything else..

i cant do things alone... but i cant drag other people down too...
so..

i wanna die... i cant do anything anyway.. jus some useless emo crap shit person..
i owe alot of people in this life... but i'll return them when i'm in hell...

at least, when i die and goes to hell... there's no worries for myself anymore... i can fully concentrate on repayin those debts...

however, my sin shall not be forgiven...

cuz imma suicide soon.... soon.. there's no light around me.... only darkness... darkness...

no one, will be able to pull me out of it... no one... i'm doomed...

emo emo emo

2010-12-06T00:23:00.003+08:00

guhhhh .... my last post is emo enuff.. .but heck.. who cares.. no one reads anyway...

im postin again... cuz.. fb aint safe anymore... to put up my emo posts.. sigh...

but wad i'm feelin now.... is almost, i say.. 90% same as my last post... yea.. miricle that i'm still pretty much alive.. but not good.. let's say.. my fuel is now like.... 5% left.. and still leakin...

dont think i can hold out much longer... school's slowly eatin into me.. life's slowly killin me... and its something that i cant stop... no matter how much i mend it on the outside... it still leaks on the inside...

i jus aint strong enough... i dont have the determination, or energy left..

people say that life is too short... but i say that life is too long.. for me... i know that i hadnt even repay any debts in my life yet... but i dont think i can take much longer... jus let me end all of this, and go to hell to repent, suffer forever.... since bein alive is livin hell.... much worse than hell...

i jus dont wanna be in the world anymore.. not anymore...

i did my best... i'm satisfied... and ready to go... whenever.... i'll welcome death...

a cry for help

2010-06-19T17:48:00.002+08:00

whenever i'm emo, i'll think of smsin someone..
whenever i'm alone with a friend that i can place my trust on, i feel like talkin heart to heart..
but a second thought always come and holds me back...

the person
- will not pay attention to what i'm talkin bout
- will not understand what i'm talkin bout
- will find me as an annoyance
- will no longer be friends with someone like me
- etc etc..

- its hard for me to speak it out loud.. let's say.. inpossible for me to tell someone bout it cuz the thought never comes and reaches to become words...

and wad makes me emo...?

- i'm not good at anything at all
- even if i done something im best at, other people are still better than me
- even when i tried my best, nothing good comes out of it
- i shouldnt even been born
- i fail in both reality and virtual reality
- even playing games makes me emo, i fail at them despite spending long duration tryin to master the game

i tried, but failed

i'm nth but a nuisance to my family
i'm nth but a trash in the society
i'm nth but a failure in my school/course
i'm nth but someone who creates trouble
i'm nth but a freakin heavy burden to my parents

i hv nth but my course, animation, but i totally suck at it
i hv nth but my games which i get owned in
i hv nth but a restless, defeated soul
i hv nth but a useless brain that doesnt work
i hv nth but a damn body that's incapable of endurin physical damages
i hv nth but a weak spirit and determination to get things done the way i wanted it to be

i should just
die somewhere far from my family
vanish into the thin air
disappear from this world

it is meaningless for me to stay on
so why am i still here?
why arent any accidents happenin to me so i can jus die?
why arent i dyin yet so that everythin can end?

is this my punishment?
to see ppl suffer cuz of me and make me feel guilty as long as i live?
is this it?
answer me..
if that's so

then i'll end my own life
i dont care if i'm going to hell
it's best that i remain in hell to suffer
this, i wont trouble anyone anymore
as long as i stay in hell

its fine isnt it?
its all predestinated
there are 2 different endings for me..

i'll see how long it'll take..

whether i'll die cuz of accident first,
or i'll have a major breakdown and suicide first...

or.. will someone enter my life and save me from all these, and give me a meaning to live on...?

no one knows...

work n olvl

2010-01-13T01:34:00.002+08:00

alrite, o level results released on 11 jan 10... how i did? well... i'm pretty satisfied... or rather.. VERY satisfied! i assumed the worst... nt bein able to get into poly... goin to ite... but oh well, my L1R4 raw score is 16~ bwahaha! so happy ^^v my mom thought it's 20++ when she called n heard my *depressed* voice xD

now i'm troubled... idk wan go SP or NYP for my course!!! AHHHHH

bout work... hahas, nt bad luh ^^v tis week work less... straight 3 days off =.=ll like they shooin me away like tat.. heh~ see how long i still wan continue work xD xD!!

yay~ i lub lub lub lub lub animation!!

updates D=

2009-12-27T23:26:00.001+08:00

ahh!!! didnt go for EOY'09... saded seh T_T!!!! saw pics of alot gd cosplayers....!!!!!!! AHHHHHH sianz.... for e sake of money, gave up eoy.... *sigh* oh well....

from work.. will be workin 6 days next week... off on 1/1/10!! lols!! oh yea, heard from gwen tat we'll have another new comer named kenny on wed... =O they pro lor... keep hiring ppl =.=ll so shocked when i got e news... xD xD! nt bad la, workin @ there.. boss around = busy.... boss nt around = quite slack.... yea yea, tryin to be pro-active... but lols! when i got nervous still got some mistakes... D= ltr they sack me T_T!!!! duno till when i work till also.... see how long i can tahan xD

my timing
mon n tue 2-8
wed 5-10 (closing T_T)
thurs 12-8 (8 hours!!! OMG)
fri OFF~
sat n sun 10-6 (8 hrs again...)

hope nth goes wrong...!

Short post

2009-12-20T23:42:00.002+08:00

ok, since the holiday started, i emo-ed.... use comp... slp eat n shit =.=ll i DID tried finding job... but couldnt find any... then ppl sms me bout their jobs n stuffs... bunny, qh, sotong, gwen... got their jobs alrdy by december, and i'm still jobless... i became totally depressed.... then one day gwen smsed me bout a vacancy at the same company as her!!! sweet~ and here i am, working... its been 3 days n i'hve haf 2 days of workin experience! uh... maybe 12 hours to be exact? ahahas, it's part-tim, $5 per hour... nt bad eh? n near my hse too! hahas, think i'm gunna stick to this job like glue!!!! must bootlick my boss.. she's SCARY!!! yea! i must be PRO-ACTIVE!!! take initiative... ( smth im nt gd at...) oh well, hope this job experience CHANGES ME!!! yay~ been happy now ^^v

got work from 21-24 n 26 dec for this week~ WOOHOO!!!! $_$ come rolling in! at e price of my leg though, from all e standing! i'll always SMILE n say WELCOME! to customers! (lols i'm nuts now... GOIN SLP NOW!!)

Moody

2009-11-19T00:54:00.002+08:00

Lonely.... I feel so lonely, and empty... It's a feeling that I can't describe... Am I just feeling down? Or am I upset over something? If so, what are the things that I'm upset about? Recently, I just don't know what I want nor what I'm thinking... I don't get myself either... Just who and what am I?! I'm tired, but wide awake... I just wish I could sleep forever... I don't know what is my existence for... Maybe this is what I'm troubled about? No.. I doubt it... But why am I feeling this way? This... awful feeling that is indescribable.. So, so lonely.... deep down inside of me, I cry for someone to help me... I may be here, but just a mere empty shell... How can I be the normal me? I don't know... Am I bored? Bored of life? Or am I just all...... torn up, wounded, dying? I got NO idea...

gaaahhhh

2009-11-18T21:56:00.000+08:00

been AWAYAAAAAAA from real long.... hadnt been online on RO.... only in audi.... but also =.=ll no mood play audi le... T_T no fren accompany me.... feel like deleting this blog... huhuhu~ AFA'09 HERE I COME!!!! lols?! wth am i talkin bout? idk!

god~

2009-10-16T18:35:00.000+08:00

i hate myself!!!! AHHH!! *damn it =.=*

NOOOoooo

2009-09-07T23:42:00.002+08:00

gosh.. i totally flunked my prelims.... as well as my mock practical... i'm all depressed.... no mood at all... just read finish bunny's blog... got an online translator to translate jap into eng..

ahhhh so fustrated.. i'm all emoing again.... oh yea, i got an online bf in RO.... i know dont luff, and it seems all ok... not rly like he saw my pic or know my real name, but i know his... seems like he's a kind guy... from indonesia.. lol same an penguin... think i'll fall in love all over again online?

let's hope it wont end in tragedy.. dont go all over me gaga-ing about this matter.. i just feel like typing it out.... idk, if it's right or wrong... but i liked him? is there such love that existed online...? i feel so attached.. but yet far away... what is this?

EXAM blues?

goshie..

2009-08-03T22:02:00.003+08:00

oh my gawd~ i'm having emotional break downs these few days.. or rather actually for the past week.. had a fite wif my mom on thurs and fri.. *saitei*!! was on my bed after the fite.. sobbing of cuz.. wad sucks most is my puffy eyes =.=ll *ore mou.. genkai da* it's weird.. i wonder why i got all emotional over stupid things.. and no, not becuz of the obvious reason... and yes! it's cuz of stress due to major exams.. 13 cut off points!!! HOW THE HELL AM I GONNA GET TAT?! *muri desu!*

(ohh, MT B3, Eng b3, Maths a2, Combine Sci a1 <-- 9 points! EASY!) UR HEAD! HOW ON EARTH CAN I DO TAT?! omg.. the upcoming o level is stressin me out without me even knowing.. it's killin me from inside out.. a cruel thing to do.. tried to improve on my maths and science.. but failed and suck at them.. gosh.. i'm goin hell down.. let's hope n pray for e best..

am irritated these days.. idk why.. i'm fiery, so if u read this post, dont mind me if i get angry out of nowhere.. and i'll get all emo durin class.. ._.

oh yea oh yea~ i rmb.. i just wanna hug..!! T.T long time since i hugged my parents.. cuz i'm too gigantic~ lol.. just abit shy to hug them directly.. heh! now i'm all grown up.. but i rly wanna at least some comfort from them and not.. (GET YOUR BRAIN WORKIN! IDC HOW BUT U MUST!) thingy..

gosh.. tis battle has yet to start but i'm alrdy wounded, and the less visible(faint/feint?) scars remains.. *zutto.. matte tanda.. demo.. itsuka.. itsuka kuru no?*

i am NOT regretting my decisions, but my Life

Uh...

2009-06-20T11:35:00.002+08:00

Lols, i came back from genting like... uhm... 4 days ago? ROFL, been lazy to update bout it ^^

oh well, it's fun but kindda disappointed cuz due to the damn global warming.. it's =.=ll HOT!! even at there.. i was expecting like coolness at all time, everywhere but it only happens at night.. and only when the big wind blows... argh~~ was sweating all the way =x

first day, the car i was on in was quite bumpy xD it's a bumpy ride~ well, since like years ago i went once.. and the once was damn bad.. everywhere was the cigerrate smell.. it totally sucks!! argh =.=
but now, hey, not bad! it's better.. ALOT better!! there's no such of smell everywhere.. but only when u see smokers walking round, there ought to be some =P

so.. my cousin and i went to the outdoor theme park there... it's quite cool outdoors, but there's still heat.. from the bright bright shiny sun.. poor sis of mine.. her old wound acts again and her back hurts.. thus she cant go with us T.T but it's fun xD i got to enjoy a ride where they swing u around like a see-saw round and round like u're flying.. i enjoyed it but when i open my eyes and look i'm like OMG!!! WTH AM I DOING HERE~?!! thus i preferred eyes closed and enjoy the wind~ xD watching everything moves if too scary for me on a speed ride.. after that we walked and eat , drink n played... my cousins got their hand waxed.. i mean, u know, those figures in wax that are formed by dipping ur hand in hot wax? smth like that.. it's funny, now i know wad's the signal for * i love u * in hand sign.. somehow? rofl

2nd day nth much.. too tired from 1st day lol, so i slept the whole day.. OH YEA! i shopped with my sis for my rings xD i wanna buy them long time ago and i finally bought them.. it's my reward!! wahaha.. damn cheap lol!! it's RM 13.50 for 1 ring but since it's S n M, buy 1 free 1.. so i bought 2 rings at RM 13.50.. which is like RM14, which makes SGD7, and divide by 2, it's like 3.50 SGD for 1 ring!! omg lol xD so cheap ^^ i'm damn happy.. hahas

3rd day.. kindda nth much too, but at night i went to play with cousin.. arcade.. we wanna go sky venture too but it's fully booked and it's DANGEROUS!! omg i HIGHLY RECOMMEND U NOT TO PLAY IT!! it's life-threatening..

ok that's all i guess? oh yea.. i got flu =.= relax~ it's not influenza H1N1.. it's notmal HEAVY flu xD when i mean heavy, it's VERY HEAVY .. but i'm better now.. and dw, NO FEVER ^^

tat's all xD thanks for readin rofl... 1 more week before sch reopens.. OMG WAD'S MY HMWK?!

Finally...

2009-06-08T18:20:00.002+08:00

oh me gosh~~ FINALLY THE END OF DnD CAMP!! woohoo~ yipee!!

ahaha, they gave us a survey to do... and gwen, my friend was cruel =x
she told me to sabotage our juniors.. so that they'll suffer like we do next year..
oh well, i think it was fun so i sabotaged too.. ROFL~!
instead of putting STRONGLY DISAGREE on *do u benefitted from the camp?* i put STRONGLY AGREE
rofl~ good luck juniors! XD

oh well, i felt so relieved.. *phew..* cuz it's the end of the damn camp!! wee~ but the sad thing was.. i got flooded by holiday assignments again.. but i CANT WAIT to go Genting this friday night!! i'll be goin with my cousin too~ long time no see her~ ^^ let's haev some fun! shall we?! it's HOLIDAY!!!

long time no update

2009-06-03T23:57:00.002+08:00

oh me gosh~ seriously a long time since i'hv updated.. wahaha..

Things up till date..

Since sch started, i know this year is not gonna be easy.. full of stress.. homework.. and forced to revise.. *sigh* it sucks xD but oh well *geh!* i did okok for common test (start of yr exam) but adly for mid-yr exams.. i'm totally worried for my O's.. why would i not be?! and my family is like.. U GOTTA STUDY!! REVISE!! U SEE?! U DIDNT WORK HARD! <-- dots on this xD

everything is goin smoothly.. and now it's like june.. OMG~! and this marks the 2nd day of our sch's DnD camp (determined and disciplined camp) which is just basically intense revision/teaching on our subjects to rush for O's.. it sucks lol.. first day i'm alrdy sick.. 2nd day.. worse.. know why? cuz this damn stupid sch tat i'm in.. offers good lessons from 8am in the morning till 5.30pm in the afternoon.. though last 1 hour is games, but it seems that u can waste ur time away at sch.. ~ GREAT~!!! HOW PERFECT!! ^^ <-- AS IF LOL

totally a waste of time.. having restless students in class for like continuously 8 hours isnt a good thing u know.. and damn it =.= our lunch time is at 12.45pm so late.. every1 almost died on hunger on the first day.. wahaha..

oh well, wish me all the best to survive that damn DnD till next monday..

weehee~~ i'm goin genting from 11-15th june!! DONT CONTACT ME DURIN TAT TIME ROFL

Quiz

2008-11-19T16:02:00.004+08:00

OMG damn =.= i was tagged!! OMG! forced =/ here i go xD

Rule1.
People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blog and replace any questions that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

Rule2.
Tag 5 people to do this quiz and those who are tagged cannot refuse. Those people must state who they were tagged by and cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by continue this game by sending to other people.

1. What is your CCA ?
National Police Cadet Corps.. NPCC

2. Would you fall in love with a boy younger than you ?
Eh..? I dunno lols.. Guys all look the same for me =.=

3. Do you enjoy going to school ?
Hmm.. Yes if my friends were there, No if they're all at home =/ But overall, NO! Staying at home is da BEST!

4. What would you do with a billion dollars ?
Split it with my family.. Take the half billion, buy a house for myself, say bb to family, hire a maid, GAME all day long..

5. Will you fall in love with your best friend ?
No way.

6. Which is more blessed ? Loving someone or being loved ?
Loving someone.. I dont know how it feels yet =P

7. List out your favourite songs
Vampire Knight - Futatsu no Kodou to Akai Tsumi
Strawberry Panic - Kuchibiru Daydream
Taylor Swift - Teardrops on my Guitar
?? - ItazuranaKISS
Ouran Highschool Host Club - Sakura Kiss
?? - Four seasons
Clannad - Dango Daikazoku
Perfume - Seventh Heaven

8. If the person you like is secretly attached, what would you do?
I dont know? Let it go~

9. Is there anything that has made you extremely happy ?
Hitting Lv 118 on FlyForFame.. My Record For FlyFF Game

10. What makes you angry ?
Critism bout me

11. How would you see yourself in 10 years time ?
In Heaven or Hell

12. Who is currently most important people to you ?
Nobody

13. What is the most important thing in your life ?
Love

14. Would rather be single and rich or married but poor ?
Single and Rich

15. What is your favourite color ?
Red and Blue, Blue preferred (ocean blue)

16. Would you give all in a relationship ?
Depends on how much i need that person in my life

17. If you fall in love with 2 people simultaneously, who would you pick ?
The one who comforts me when i'm down, know my likings and hates

18. Would you forgive & forget no matter how horrible a thing that someone has done ?
I always forget things that happened yesterday when i wake up, so it doesnt matter

19. What do you want to tell the person you love ?
Hug meh tightly, never let go..

20.What type of person will you fall in love with ?
No idea? Wanna me cut my heart up to let you find out?

These are sincerely my truthful answers.. Believe it or Not.. Any discrimination will be held responsible severely by ME

SORRY PEPO! I GOTTA TAG 5 PPL! and the LUCKY ppl are.. Bunny, Takoyaki, Neko, Seal & Napoleon!

Dunearnite Performance & Duty

2008-11-17T12:20:00.002+08:00

Woohoo~~ Grats to people who made Dunearnite a success!! Yay~~~ It's a Great Performance! Excellent! However, I would like to grunt bout the language.. ^_^v

First of all, the act, music, everything is nice.. EXCEPT! i cant really understand what they're saying.. They speak kindda fast? and Due to the mike, It's Ruining everything..

Secondly.. bout my so called.. security duty.. i got the job on stairs.. not allowin people to go up.. it's so boring.. i'm so DAMN BORED! i even listen to music and fall asleep when everyone is inside watching show! XD however, i still enjoyed it cuz it allowed meh to meet my friends after that and went home together hahas..

FUN ALWAYS AWAITS YOU~!

Dunearnite

2008-11-14T11:13:00.002+08:00

Since I'm in Dunearn Secondary, we hold this event called Dunearnite to thank all alumni and students. It is sort of a performance, an event for all. Stuck in a CCA like NPCC, we will need to do duty..? Watch dogs basically =_=

Anyway, today is not my turn so I can watch the show. However, there is 2 more show for tomorrow and I will have to be on duty for those 2 shows. It'll be boring, VERY boring.. Let's see how it goes XD the first show is tonight! I gotta reach sch by 4.30pm with home clothes =3 dont know if the security guard lets me in school.. =O

How's life up to date?

2008-11-10T18:16:00.002+08:00

I'm in secondary sch right? So we got an earlier holiday than primary sch kids. Well, since holiday till now, I have been gaming from 8am till 12am. Of course, with break, shower and 3 meals! I am basically an Otaku (check it up if u dont know) , just that I dont have any anime in hand to chase after. So, I am just gaming my way all day. I am kind of anti-social, only got up to 4-5 friends that I'm close with. Sometimes I give attitude, other times I just shut up and listen.

In the DISC personality test, I'm more of a C than S. Check them out if u dont know what they are! Anyway, now is holiday! So i will not update till i go out or what. Cuz what i do everyday is just gaming~! HEH